Doug and the Golden Turd

9 Nov

The photo prompt for this week’s Friday Fictioneers left me so cold that whenever I tried to write something I completely froze. When Spring comes and the ice on that window melts perhaps there will be some movement. I talked to a good friend about the issue and what follows is a transcript of the discussion we had about a possible title, but it’s as far as I got this week. Maybe I just need some more fiber in my mental diet. Not sure why I made you all privy to this.  In any event, here I sit, broken hearted…

The link to all the stories can be found here. If you’re still working on yours I hope it comes out all right. Aloha, D.


“I can’t believe you.”


“It’s a ridiculous title.”

“It’s a grand title.”

“The photo’s of an ice coated window…”

“A Rorschach analog intended to reveal our personality characteristics and emotional functioning. I’m not biting.”

“But there’s no turd in the picture”

“What’s that gold apparition on the left?”

“A reflection of a light fixture!”

“How do you know? It could be anything. You’re being far too literal. If everyone thought like you, proctologists would be called astronauts and hemorrhoids would be called…”



“It still stinks.”

“It’s a thing of beauty.”

“I think you should flush it.”

Thanks to Rochelle for her helpful and hilarious illustration. (I think:)

39 Responses to “Doug and the Golden Turd”

  1. billgncs November 9, 2012 at 12:16 am #

    Mom…. my asteroids hurt….. Doug you have spawned a hundred juvenile jokes in my head! Great post.

  2. dmmacilroy November 9, 2012 at 12:30 am #

    Dear Bill,

    And here I thought my post would promote a reasoned and energetic discussion about the genesis of each author’s Friday Fictioneer offerings. Silly me.

    Thanks for visiting and commenting.



  3. janet November 9, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    Hard to know exactly what to say, but I started laughing as soon as I saw the title. Great picture, Rochelle. I think what Bill meant to say is your post will spawn potty humor. 🙂

    • dmmacilroy November 9, 2012 at 1:13 am #

      Dear Janet,

      I think I’ll be able to take all the comments this post will engender, go down to the local hock shop and try to pawn spotty humor.

      Thanks for reading.



  4. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields November 9, 2012 at 1:17 am #

    Dear Doug,
    Juvenile…potty humor…aren’t they the same thing? You’ve written a real gem. Or maybe that should be a real nugget. I’m all flush-turd trying to collect my thoughts.

    • dmmacilroy November 9, 2012 at 1:24 am #

      Dear Rochelle,

      I hesitate to say this, but you had a hand in it all.


      Aloha, (and tanks for the great fixture picture:)


  5. bridgesareforburning November 9, 2012 at 2:22 am #

    Hi Doug,
    This story loosened my sphincter. I feel much more regular now. Ron

  6. N Filbert November 9, 2012 at 3:05 am #

    ah ever lively and delightful – i LOVE the idea of a golden turd award 🙂

  7. Erinleary November 9, 2012 at 4:57 am #

    Wow, Doug – you were on a roll there… of Charmin. As my grandma used to say, you’re a little stnker.

  8. Jan Brown November 9, 2012 at 5:34 am #

    Ewww. But amusing. Great artwork!

  9. Running from Hell with El November 9, 2012 at 5:59 am #

    Love the sketch and “oh my” is all I can say about the um, asteroids!!

  10. Lora November 9, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    Doug – You and Rochelle should collaborate on a “potty humor” book…Text by Doug. Illustrations by Rochelle. After all, they now have a “Poop” book for kids and it’s a best seller. Good reason/excuse for Rochelle to take a holiday/trip to Hawaii (and find room for me in her duffle bag). Haha,,,snort…snort.

    • Rochelle Wisoff-Fields November 9, 2012 at 11:57 am #

      haha…I’ve also seen Barf books for kids but I think I’ll pass on both As for the holiday, Lora…let’s go!

  11. kathils November 9, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    This is just what I needed to brighten my day. I’m not sure what it says about me that golden turds and the discussion of asteroids brightens my day, but it can’t be bad. Can it?

  12. unspywriter November 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Note to self: Do not drink coffee while reading Doug’s funny stories because of the spew factor.

    Between you and VB, I’ll be chuckling to myself all morning. 😉

    Here’s mine:

  13. Russell November 9, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    Dear Doug,
    You’ve real one-upped the Goose who laid the golden egg. Even Midas must be envious of this talent. Thanks for this extra-large nugget of wit and wisdom. I may have to change my diet . . . .

  14. tedstrutz November 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    I have been rendered speechless by this story. See you soon.

  15. newpillowbook November 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    Doug, Doug, Doug. It’s not nice to make me grin that hard. My cheeks will get sore. And that’s all I have to say.

  16. Anne Orchard November 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    Now that’s how to not write a story!

  17. brudberg November 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    Ha, how about those asteroids around Uranus 🙂 lot of opportunities for puns under the belt.

  18. keliwright November 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    Oh, no! Now we have to do illustrations, too? Hilarious. I admit to taking the Rorschach approach myself (on more than one prompt). I wonder if there’s some kind of metaphysical connection between your subject and mine. I’ve often thought modern politics is a load of, well, you know, however we try to goldplate it.

  19. JackieP November 9, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    after all that has been said there’s nothing left! haha!

  20. SocietyRed November 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

    Now that’s a direction I hadn’t thought to go to. If your turds are golden I guess you have it made!

  21. vbholmes November 10, 2012 at 12:23 am #

    “If everyone thought like you, proctologists would be called astronauts and hemorrhoids would be called…”


    Gotta find out what you two were drinking/smoking/sniffing/chewing….
    Kudos to you and Rochelle for a clever piece.

  22. Madison Woods November 10, 2012 at 3:55 am #

    Hilarious! I can just imagine the silliness surrounding that conversation.

  23. Debra Kristi November 10, 2012 at 10:20 am #

    It’s late and I’m tired but I can’t stop chuckling. You would get along great with my kids. 😀

  24. JKBradley November 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm #


    How does a big bowl of Raisin Bran, a long hike on the island, followed by four hours at a dive bar sound? That’s what I’d do. And then rinse and repeat as necessary.

    And what of asteroids and Uranus?

  25. Sandra November 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Crappy take on the prompt, if you don’t mind my saying. 😉 (Only joking – in case the smiley doesn’t work.)

  26. Jan Morrill November 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Funniest thing I’ve seen you write yet, Doug. I laughed out loud! And Rochelle, I LOVE the caricature! What talent we have in our Fictioneer world!

  27. Cindy Marsch November 10, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    You’re always so much fun! 🙂

  28. Joyce November 10, 2012 at 11:22 pm #

    Ha Ha. Rochelle can draw anything. But, I never would have thought this photo could have lead to this. Golden turd? It sounds like there is another part of the story somewhere in the flushing.

  29. Perry Block (@PerryBlock) November 11, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Doug, I missed South Park this week and your story made me feel like I’d missed nothing at all. Maybe some day soon we can share a Turd Sandwich? (Did Rochelle actually draw that? She is a genius!)

    • Rochelle Wisoff-Fields November 11, 2012 at 11:42 am #

      I cannot tell a lie, Perry. I drew the picture. Ah the joys of a scanner and the internet. 😉

  30. Shirley McCann November 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    This one went over my head. I just don’t know what to think. Maybe it’s too early in the morning.

  31. hopedancer November 12, 2012 at 1:03 am #

    Lol…Having just seen Wreck-It Ralph with my family, I’m tempted to use some of its potty humor in my comment . However, I do appreciate that you keyed in the the golden highlights of the photo! Thanks for the laughter. Becky

    • dmmacilroy November 12, 2012 at 3:34 am #


    • dmmacilroy November 12, 2012 at 3:38 am #

      Dear Becky,

      Thanks for reading and commenting. How did you find this polished post? (Just curious.) I hope I run into you again on these pages and thank you for clueing me in to Wreck-it Ralph’s comedic reservior.



  32. Beth Carter November 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    LOL. Love the title,the silly dialogue and Rochelle’s drawing! Great job. I’m at

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