For All Intensive Purposes

26 Nov

100 words for Friday Fictioneers, based on the photo prompt below provided by Randy Mazie.

 

Libary

 (Copyright Randy Mazie)

“An engorged prostrate?”

“It’s pronounced prost….”

“How in the hell could that even happen, Doc? Last Febuary you told me I had corporal tunnel syndrome and I’ve been wearing those damn braces on both wrists for six months now.”

“Febru…”

“It’s not like I even have a chance at having a volumptuous lady in my life. Have you seen my ride?”

“Voluptu….”

“This is getting flustrating.”

“Frustrating?”

“Why are you repeating everything I say?”

“I’m not.”

“Sure sounds like you are.”

“Never mind. I’ll write you a perscription.”

88 Responses to “For All Intensive Purposes”

  1. Sandra November 26, 2014 at 9:49 am #

    I fink dis is colossus! If you didn’t laugh about it, you’d cry. Well done, sir.

    • dmmacilroy November 26, 2014 at 10:19 am #

      Dear Sandra,

      I cry behind closed doors. Good thing I’ll be shuffling off this mortal coil soon…(but not too soon).

      Thanks for dropping by to read and comment.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  2. rochellewisoff November 26, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    Dear Dug,

    Is it any wonder I look forwards to your stories irregardless of the subject? When I seen this pitcher I knew you’d right something good.
    Thanks for making me laff.

    Shalom,

    Roshelle Wissoff Feelds

    • dmmacilroy November 26, 2014 at 10:18 am #

      Dear Rochelle,

      You and Sandra may have put me off of reading comments on my post this week. If everyone os going to try to outdo my protagonist I’m going to self medicate and not surface until next Wednesday…

      Thanks for reading and commenting…supposably.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  3. Björn Rudberg (brudberg) November 26, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    Oh this is so good .. sounds like the personal chemistry is not quite there between the patient and his patient.. Maybe at the end a prescription is easier (or a career change to veterinary)

    • dmmacilroy November 26, 2014 at 10:22 am #

      Dear Bjorn,

      After many more patients like my protagonist, the doctor might do well to dip into his drug bag and go home early. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  4. Snow's Fissures and Fractures November 26, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    Oh my, this is good. The pacing, the humor, that palpable frustration…nice one, Doug.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:33 am #

      Dear Lore,

      Thanks for your kind comment on For All Intensive Purposes. It’s heartening to hear that the piece worked for all the right reasons.

      Mahalo and Aloha,

      Doug

  5. The Writer's Village November 26, 2014 at 11:43 am #

    I think your doctor suffers from echolalia and could use some form of interventitive repetitive therapee or rapartee.

    Randee

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:34 am #

      Dear Randee,

      Exactly…

      I think he suffers from the knowledge that no amount of medicine can fix what ails some people. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  6. Allan G. Smorra November 26, 2014 at 2:34 pm #

    This is a very clever solution to the challenge. Now I know how Professor Irwin Kory’s doctor felt during his office visits

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:36 am #

      Dear Allan,

      Perhaps that’s how Dr, Kervorkian found his niche, so to speak. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  7. Caerlynn Nash November 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

    Supposively, you intended this to be funny. You succeeded. Nice!

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:37 am #

      Dear Caerlynn,

      Humor? Me? Heaven forbid. (Thanks for reading and commenting.)

      Aloha,

      Doug

  8. Honie Briggs November 26, 2014 at 3:57 pm #

    I wonder if the copay higher for grammar specialists.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:41 am #

      Dear Honie,

      I wonder if there’s a medical term for those who chronically and obliviously savage the English language. Mo-ron is the closest I can find..

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  9. wmqcolby November 26, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

    Too many people hiding behind that fake-aid of education. Keep a lamp burning.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:42 am #

      Dear Kent,

      They’re not hiding very well…

      Thanks for dropping by to read.

      Aloha,

      Doug

      • wmqcolby November 27, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

        Hahahahaha! No, they aren’t hiding well, are they?

  10. Madison Woods November 26, 2014 at 4:45 pm #

    You gave me a dose of good medicine this morning, Doug. Loved your story.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:44 am #

      Dear Madison,

      I owe you a lot. Happy to have paid off a little of the interest. It is a pleasure to see you prospering and to see your name in the comments section. How very cool.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  11. Leigh W. Smith November 26, 2014 at 5:16 pm #

    As a (reformed) newspaper copyeditor (or is that copy editor? or, still again, copy-editor?), this story is much adorred by who other than myself. 🙂 Thank you for the smiles, Doug!

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:47 am #

      Dear Leigh,

      Our local paper eschews such contrivances, per se. (You make me laugh, Leigh. Nice comment and thanks for it.)

      Aloha,

      Doug

  12. anmol(alias HA) November 26, 2014 at 6:33 pm #

    “volumptuous lady” sure did make me laugh.
    An enjoyable read of something unique. 🙂
    -HA

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:49 am #

      Dear HA,

      Thanks for the kind words. Unique is an appellation I can live with.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  13. marysmoments4life November 26, 2014 at 6:36 pm #

    Oh my gosh…you know my sister from up “nort”! She has eye “bras” and limp noides. Laugh out loud funny!

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:51 am #

      Dear Mary,

      Limp noides! I love it. The list is getting longer and longer just from reading the comments on this story. Very cool. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  14. caroljforrester November 26, 2014 at 8:45 pm #

    Ooo, you had me giggling, a really wonderfully humorous piece.

  15. lingeringvisions by Dawn November 26, 2014 at 10:52 pm #

    Haha, when Doc said “I’m not” that made me snort! Glad I wasn’t drinking anything.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:52 am #

      Dear Dawn,

      The doctor was wishing for something like retroactive abortion, but, if wishes were horses…

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  16. siobhanmcnamara November 26, 2014 at 11:26 pm #

    I’ve had so many of those conversations, though I usually clamp my mouth shut with a manic smile and try to restrict my side of the conversation to inside my head.
    I suspect you had as much fun writing this as I had reading it 🙂

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:55 am #

      Dear Siobahn,

      I did indeed enjoy writing this (almost as much as I enjoyed photoshopping the picture above…which no one is glomming on to…)

      Thanks for reading and commenting, oh perceptive one.

      Aloha,

      Doug

      • siobhanmcnamara November 27, 2014 at 9:36 pm #

        Oh dear, I should have spotted the picture! An excellent piece of photoshopping

        When I was studying journalism one of my classmates turned to me after our Court Reporting exam and said: “Funny how there was no question about contemptive court.”
        No doubt she was completely baffled by the question on contempt of court. She changed courses shortly afterwards ….

  17. Perry Block (@PerryBlock) November 26, 2014 at 11:53 pm #

    I laughed so much my prostrate hurt! Which won’t be a good thing when I meet that volumptuous lady of my dreams.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 9:57 am #

      Dear Perry,

      And remember, if your prostrate is engorged for more than fours hours straight, consult the directions on the bottle…

      Good luck with that voluptuaryness.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  18. Jan Brown November 27, 2014 at 2:57 am #

    Hahahahaha! I’m liking the comments almost as much as the story. But I have to warn you, if Perry ever finds a volumptuous lady, I will fall over laughing and you will have to call the bambulance to come and get me 🙂

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 10:00 am #

      Dear Jan,

      How nice to see you here. Welcome back from wherever you were. i missed you.

      Hahahahaha. Now I’m the one laughing and ambymambulance. Love that word. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  19. Sandra Conner November 27, 2014 at 3:19 am #

    So this is the second week I laughed out loud … and then laughed again. Perfect for this challenge, Doug, because if anyone ever needed a library it’s definitely that patient. (Bet you weren’t able to write this whole piece without laughing out loud yourself.)

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 10:03 am #

      Dear Sandra,

      My patient’s library is spelled like it is on the picture I ‘doctored’ above. And yes, I went sort of nuts writing this. Laughed until my stomach hurt. Wish I could have worked in a vampire or a zombie, too, but, alas, that pesky hundred word limit loomed…

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

      • Sandra Conner November 27, 2014 at 11:08 am #

        Well, just to be brutally honest (and “brutal” is the operative word here), if you had struggled to work in a vampire or zombie, I would have been disappointed in you. Personally, I am so fed up with all this vampire crap that is reigning in the world of literature and media — no wait — let me back up — that is parading around trying to “look” like “literature”– that I turn it off before reading it.

        In my estimation, most of the people who are writing that stuff on a regular basis are doing so because they are incapable of actually writing something that is genuine art.They’re throwing something cheap out there that looks and sounds like the current “fad,” hoping it will get them readers just because those subjects are in vogue with the masses.

        It’s like those people who call themselves poets but who never write anything but “free verse.” I do occasionally write a piece in free verse because it lends itself so perfectly to that form, but when a person never puts thoughts and images into any meter or rhyme either one, I consider that they are either too lazy to do the work necessary to use poetic techniques correctly or they are not poets at all.

        Whew! If I had more time, I’d probably tell you how I feel about the president too. (Guess I needed to vent. If you want to delete this, it won’t offend me.)

  20. marshalhopalop November 27, 2014 at 3:32 am #

    Wonderful twist on the picture prompt. In a holy cathedral for written knowledge, one would figure the speaker would catch on to his botch-fest.

    • dmmacilroy November 27, 2014 at 10:08 am #

      Dear Marshall,

      Thanks for enjoying it and saying so with such panache. Those who botch the English language rarely are cognizant of it. (With the exception of myself. I usually know exactly when I’ve screwed it up.) Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  21. draliman November 27, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    Funny, nicely twisted at the end.
    Did you get frustrated (sorry, “flustrated”) by all the little red lines your browser was putting under all the words? 🙂

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:33 am #

      Dear Draliman,

      You hit on one of the challenges of writing this piece. Auto correct was having a nosebleed. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  22. Weltchysnotebook November 27, 2014 at 6:06 pm #

    Very amusing story. I suspect your spellchecker was the biggest hindrance as you wrote this piece.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:36 am #

      Too true, Weltchy,

      Another hindrance was having to use only a few of the zillions of butchered words that are out there. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  23. elmowrites November 27, 2014 at 7:54 pm #

    First class stuff, Doug. I wouldn’t dream of trying to outdo your patient – others have already followed your lead, so I will just clap and retire quietly to my easy chair

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:37 am #

      Dear Jennifer,

      I hope you enjoy your easy chair as much as much as I enjoy your comments. Thank you.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  24. talesfromthemotherland November 27, 2014 at 9:37 pm #

    I always love your wit, Doug. I wont even try to compete. 😉 But I vigorously applaud the high jinx! Happy Thanksgiving.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:38 am #

      Dear Dawn,

      Thank you so much for your kind comment. It means a lot coming from you. Happy T-Day to you, too.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  25. wildbilbo November 28, 2014 at 4:40 am #

    Very dry- and very amusing. Loved that perscription finishing line.
    Cheers
    KT

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:39 am #

      Dear KT,

      The doctor has given up.

      Thanks for dropping by to read and comment. I loved your piece this week.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  26. Ellespeth November 28, 2014 at 7:31 am #

    Where y’at, Doug?
    The sense of frustration is hilarious in this piece! Your story has me thinking of how self centered we can all be sometimes. The patient is so oblivious…you captured that perfectly.
    Ellespeth

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:41 am #

      Dear Ellespeth,

      You mean flustration?

      Thanks for such a nice comment. I love seeing your name here.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  27. Margaret November 28, 2014 at 7:52 am #

    As all the previous readers have commented: this was really funny. Thanks for entertaining us.
    Marg

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:43 am #

      Dear Margaret,

      Thanks for saying so. I appreciate it.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  28. Joanna (Lazuli Portals Trilogy) November 28, 2014 at 10:15 am #

    Dear Doug,

    Very funny, very clever, and I saw from the comments you’d photoshopped the pickcher… and then I saw it. How our eyes see what we expect to see, hey? Really well done (as usual) and a grin lingers still…..

    Aloha,
    Joanna

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:46 am #

      Dear Joanna,

      Thanks for ‘seeing’ the pitcher. And yes, we see what we expect to see.

      I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  29. Suzanne Joshi November 28, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

    Doug, Funny story. 😀 It seems you just can’t educate some people. It’s too late for them as they only hear themselves. That piece took a lot of effort. Congratulations. Well written as always. 🙂 — Susan

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:48 am #

      Dear Suzanne,

      It was a labor of love all the way through. Thanks for such nice comments.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  30. babso2you November 28, 2014 at 5:33 pm #

    Very well done!

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:49 am #

      Dear Babs,

      Thank you very much.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  31. jwdwrites November 28, 2014 at 10:38 pm #

    Hi Doug, I have no idea how you got there from the prompt, but I am glad you did. 🙂

    • dmmacilroy November 28, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

      Dear JWD,

      Look carefully at how the word Library is spelled on MY prompt picture and you’ll understand how I got from ‘there’ to here. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  32. rgayer55 November 29, 2014 at 12:08 am #

    Finally, somebody that speaks my language. I can’t wait to here him say alumium

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:50 am #

      Dear Russell,

      You must really have fun listening to people in your neck of the woods. Grist for the mill, eh?

      Aloha,

      Doug

  33. Leona H - Shadow Strokes November 29, 2014 at 12:15 am #

    Sadly, I was married to that guy, once…. one of the top three reasons we divorced! 😉 Very smooth.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:53 am #

      Dear Leona,

      The most important word in your comment is ‘once’. Good job editing him out of your story. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  34. aliciajamtaas November 29, 2014 at 5:03 am #

    My mom was a libarian and, if she had access to the internet, I would send this to her so she could – what? scream? laugh? wonder who I “hang out” with now? Thanks for making me smile.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:53 am #

      Dear Alicia,

      You hang out with the best people now. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  35. plaridel November 29, 2014 at 6:03 am #

    i think it’s time for the patient to seek a second opinion. that is, if he has enough brains to do it.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:54 am #

      Dear Plaridel,

      Not something he’ll have to worry about, eh?

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  36. Bastet November 29, 2014 at 6:04 am #

    Fun fun fun! reminds me of how I’ve been massacring the Italian and French languages for years going on sound rather than looking the words up and committing them to memory in a proper fashion.

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:57 am #

      Dear Georgia,

      Better study up, girl, lest you find yourself in some Italian’s Friday Fictioneer story. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

      • Bastet December 2, 2014 at 5:55 am #

        Dear Doug … too true, I can see the story as someone comments on the fact that I, a female, often speak using the masculine form … not to speak of the doubles which I don’t hear and write with a single letter (and so on) … I’m afraid that after 40 some odd years though, I’m not going to get much better … Ciao, Georgia

  37. hafong November 29, 2014 at 3:16 pm #

    Maybe the doc needs a dictionary. When all fails, he still has his prescription pad. Thanks for the laugh.

    Lily

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      Dear Hafong,

      I think you’re right. And you’re welcome for the laugh. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  38. Nan Falkner November 30, 2014 at 9:03 am #

    Dear Doug, Purrfection! I can’t stop laffing. U R so clever! Love the storey!

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:59 am #

      Dear Nan,

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting.
      Aloha,

      Doug

  39. MythRider November 30, 2014 at 10:06 pm #

    Dear Doug,

    See, if he read, he might be able to speak. ;0)

    Blessings, Phyllis

    • dmmacilroy December 1, 2014 at 11:47 am #

      Dear Phyllis,

      You got that right. Not something he’ll ever have to worry about, though, I’m thinking. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  40. Sarah Ann December 2, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

    Oh so clever and amusing. That poor doctor is going to have to learn to be less correcting if he wants to survive his patients.

    • dmmacilroy December 3, 2014 at 3:27 am #

      Dear Sarah,

      I think he’s going to learn…one day. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  41. Priceless Joy December 12, 2014 at 8:20 pm #

    Whatever the protagonist had the doc caught it. 😀

    • dmmacilroy December 13, 2014 at 9:23 am #

      The doc caught a bad case of apathy in the end. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  42. rogershipp December 16, 2014 at 7:34 am #

    I enjoy the art of the interruption in writing. Well done.

  43. Tracey@WhatsforDinnerDoc.com February 23, 2015 at 6:46 pm #

    Ha ha. I’ve had those days when I’m speaking a different language than my patient.

    • dmmacilroy February 23, 2015 at 11:33 pm #

      Dear Tracey,

      Probably different planets, too, eh? Thank you for visiting and reading and commenting so kindly.

      Aloha,

      Doug

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