Sex with Ghosts

10 Jul

100 words for Friday Fictioneers (that cannot be unread) based on the photo prompt below from Randy Mazie. Other stories here, talking goats, et cetera. Enjoy.

Goat girl

“…and I says you can’t,” said Wesley. “It ain’t….natural.”

“’Course you can,” replied Earl. “Ain’t like she’s family.”

“When’d you first…you know…do it?”

“Right after I bought the old Ewing place. Heard her knockin’ round like a poultrygeist under the back porch.”

“Weren’t you scared?”

“Was sort of weird at first, but Jane warmed up to it after a bit.”

“Jane?”

“Like Calamity. She kicked a lot.”

“Well, I’m a believer ” said Wesley, “’Never would’ve thought it, but you’ve convinced me it’s possible to have sex with ghosts.”

Earl scratched his head sheepishly.

“Ghosts?… I thought you said, ‘goats’”.

.

60 Responses to “Sex with Ghosts”

  1. misskzebra July 10, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

    I’m glad I wasn’t drinking my lemonade as I read that, or it may have ended up on the keyboard.

    • dmmacilroy July 10, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

      Dear Miss KZebra,

      I’m glad you (I think) liked Sex with Ghosts. Thanks for reading.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  2. Gabriella July 10, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    Goats or ghosts? sometimes order really matters! This was funny!

    • dmmacilroy July 10, 2013 at 1:00 pm #

      Dear Gabriella,

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it very much.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  3. elmowrites July 10, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    haha, Doug! I love these two guys and where you take the story – sounds very realistic to me!

    • dmmacilroy July 10, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

      Dear Jennifer,

      Thank you very much. Thank goodness it was just my imagination, once again….

      Aloha,

      Doug

  4. Sandra July 10, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    Ha! A real laugh out loud moment there, Doug. Well done. I’m trying to remember an old joke now, the one where the punch line was “well you don’t want an ugly one, do you?” Thanks for brightening my day.

  5. Sandra July 10, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    I think my first comment was spirited away… thanks for making me laugh. Great imagination!

  6. Cara Thereon July 10, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Oh, wow. Lol. I’m sure that mix up has occurred in real life as well.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:28 am #

      Dear Cara,

      goodness, i hope not.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  7. H. Ken Abell July 10, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    Well done, sir. I cast Cletus the Slack-Jawed yokel from The Simpsons in the lead role!

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:29 am #

      Dear Ken,

      i wish i could have thought of the name ‘Cletus’. Too cool and just right for the story. oh, well… thanks for visiting and commenting.

      Aloha’

      Doug

  8. rgayer55 July 10, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    Dear Doug,
    It appears you have more hillbilly blood than most of us realized. I’ve heard of “stump training” before, so I suppose a cemetery monument could be used for the same purpose.

    Ride ’em cowboy (or in this case – goatboy).
    Russell

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      Dear Russell,

      I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just because there’s no forks in my family tree doesn’t mean I’m a hillbilly. Thanks for visiting and commenting.

      I thought Reintarnation was an absolute gem, Russell.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  9. Carrie July 10, 2013 at 5:37 pm #

    ewwwww…but also bust a gut hilarious!!

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:33 am #

      Dear Carrie,

      have to admit I was looking for that ‘eeewww’ reaction. Glad I found it with you.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  10. JKBradley July 10, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    I’ve got a suspicion you actually over-heard this conversation and jotted down notes on a beer stained napkin while choking down laughter.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      Dear J.K.,

      I’ll never tell. Who was it that said, ‘The key to originality is hiding your sources’? Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  11. M Myers July 10, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    haha! that was certainly good for a much needed chuckle this morning. Thanks Doug

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      Dear Mike,

      Every now and then I take a wild shot at humor. Thaks for letting me know I came near the target.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  12. sustainabilitea July 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

    I did NOT see that one coming. My first thought was the same as Carrie’s…”ewwwwww.” 🙂 I like “poultrygeist” and yes, I think this is a calamity for at least one person and one goat.

    janet

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:37 am #

      Dear Janet,

      Have to say I was happy to have thought of ‘poultrygeist’. Might have to patent that word.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  13. Joe Owens July 10, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    Goats or ghosts, I think i will stick with what I know.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:39 am #

      Dear Joe,

      I once dated a lady who warned me she had acute angina. I told her I hoped so because her butt was saggy as hell. Woke up in the hospital. I stick to what I know now, too. Ghosts or goats, either is preferrable to the alternative.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  14. bridgesareforburning July 10, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

    Where men are men and goats are worried.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:41 am #

      Dear Ron,

      It is so nice to see your wheat among the chaff. You should always remember that you are one of the best in this bunch and that the oldtimers in the group look for your stories.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  15. Dee July 10, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

    Dear Doug
    I loved the idea of naming a goat after Calamity Jane – (a Doris Day film will never be the same again) – and the poultrygeist was just brilliant. Some imagination at work there!
    Still chuckling
    Dee

  16. Charles Oyeleke Williams July 10, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

    Dear Doug,
    Taking us by surprise this week and pulling a joke on us…i laughed reading this and enjoyed this dialogue. well done!

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:42 am #

      Dear Charles,

      Thanks for stopping in to read and comment. I’m glad to see you and happy you were surprised.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  17. summerstommy2 July 10, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    I love that joke, like the guy asking to get his porch painted only to find the painter thought he said his porsche.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:43 am #

      Dear Summerstommy,

      …or the girl who warned me prior to our date that she had acute angina….

      Thaks for reading.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  18. wmqcolby July 10, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Aloha Doug,

    Outstanding! The sheep are no longer nervous.

    Kent

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:44 am #

      Dear Kent,

      Sheep are always nervous. thaks for reading and commenting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  19. Helena Hann-Basquiat July 10, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

    Okay, now I feel better about what I wrote! Hilarious, darling!

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:45 am #

      Dear Helena,

      What you wrote was marvelous. Neever fear.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  20. valeriedavies July 11, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    This reminds me of someone inviting me to have dinner with him at the Hongkong Club, and suggesting we meet in the Bed-room, I demurred, so he suggested the Blue Room. It turned out he’d suggested the Red Room.
    I liked the poultrygeist for added colour…..

    • dmmacilroy July 11, 2013 at 1:29 am #

      Dear Valerie,

      Thanks for visiting and commenting. Your story is much better than mine. I do admit to being totally taken by the picture of the cute kid among the gravestones. Couldn’t resist trying to work in that hackneyed punchline at the end. Re Poultrygeist; thank you for noticing that tidbit. Was trying to add subliminal touches throughout, even down to the ‘Ewing’ place. I’m afraid I’ve stirred up a lot of old ghosts for the men of Friday Fictioneers and reinforced the bad impressions of them by the the women of same.

      Getting out of here while the getting is good.

      Kia ora,

      Doug

  21. Carol Deminski July 11, 2013 at 2:36 am #

    Hee hee…

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:46 am #

      Dear Carol,

      What a time to check up on me. (thanks for doing so)

      aloha,

      Doug

      • Carol Deminski July 14, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

        That was just the right moment Doug, you are, as ever, a man with a great sense of humor and irony twisted together just so…

        🙂
        Carol

  22. Perry Block (@PerryBlock) July 11, 2013 at 5:57 am #

    Either one — ghosts or goats — glad I’m not that desperate. Wait a minute! Am I?

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:47 am #

      Dear Perry,

      let me know which one is better. Thanks for visiting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  23. Jan Brown July 11, 2013 at 10:03 am #

    Oh, you are baaaaad!

    P.S. Loved “poultrygeist”!

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:48 am #

      Dear Jan,

      Thanks for that. I kind of liked it, too.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  24. lindarigsbee July 11, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    That was disgusting! And SO funny. Good job. The dialog really moved the work.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:50 am #

      Dear Linda,

      i’m glad you were disgusted. I was feeling rather impish during the writing of Sex with Ghosts. Forgive me.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  25. David Stewart July 12, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    D’oh! I couldn’t help laughing out loud on that last line. 🙂

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:50 am #

      Dear David,

      good luck with that Korean test. Thaks for visiting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  26. EagleAye July 12, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

    Oh! That’s a great zinger at the end. You caught me looking one way and you went another. Clever soul, and superbly written.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:51 am #

      Dear EagleAye,

      Thak you for enjoying my story. Readers like you keep my laantern full and my wick trimmed.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  27. unspywriter July 12, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

    Literally LOLing! Great way to start my day–with a chuckle, of course, and not, well, you know. 😉

    Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/judas-goats/

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:53 am #

      Dear Maggie,

      Glad you liked it. Thanks for visiting.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  28. Björn Rudberg (brudberg) July 12, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

    Hilarious.. and next question.. are ther goat ghosts?

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:54 am #

      Dear Bjorn,

      I’m guessing there are. Double jeopardy, i guess.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  29. Erinleary July 13, 2013 at 4:58 am #

    Poultrygeists! Best made up word this week! Wonderfully fun, Doug.

    • dmmacilroy July 13, 2013 at 9:55 am #

      Dear Erin,

      Thank you for giving the nod of approval to ‘poultrygeist’. And for visiting, reading and commenting so nicely.

      Aloha,

      Doug

  30. Penny L Howe July 14, 2013 at 5:29 am #

    Well, I laughed out loud, Doug, loved it!

  31. kz July 15, 2013 at 7:42 am #

    lol. oh god,this was hilarious 🙂

  32. Sarah Ann July 15, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

    lol. The things we mis-hear. Lovely conversation – could really feel Earl’s embarrassment at the end. Can’t imagine what Wesley does next.

  33. buffalostarmedicine July 16, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    When I get done cackling with laughter…. Really seriously enjoyed this one in a really seriously sick way! HAHHHhhhhaaaaa!

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