Size Matters

26 Oct

Here’ 104 words for Friday Fictioneers, a creation of Madison Woods now shepherded by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, she of the Purple Addiciton. Her photo prompt  inspired this story, a conversation between two waitresses in the break room out back of  the Last Chance Diner in Skagway, Alaska.


“He did what?”

“Hauled it out and plopped it down right there on the table.”

“Miners only ever have two things on their minds……How big was it?”

“Bigger than any I’ve ever seen. Felt like it weighed a ton.”

“He let you hold it?

“Made me all tingly inside. Then he asked me for a date.”


“Told him to have it assayed and meet me at the dance hall tonight.”

“No you did not!”

“Honey, I been working at this diner for twelve years now and I ain’t gettin’ any younger. Besides, he’s not half bad looking and that gold nugget is huge.


85 Responses to “Size Matters”

  1. Perry Block (@PerryBlock) October 26, 2012 at 6:22 am #

    You know what? Holding that would make me feel all tingly inside too!
    Cute little switch. (Did I say little?)

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 6:24 am #

      Dear Perry,

      You’er really quick on the draw. Thanks for dropping by and reading. Looking forward to getting to yours.



  2. Sandra October 26, 2012 at 6:37 am #

    A masterpiece of innuendo – won’t even begin to describe the images it evoked. 🙂 The word ‘assayed’ gave it away before the punchline, (unless that word has a double meaning which I don’t know of 🙂 ) but didn’t spoil it for me. Well done Doug.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 6:52 am #

      Dear Sandra,

      Thanks for your kind comments. I knew assayed would give it away a tad early but wanted the smooth flow to make people feel guilty for thinking what they were thinking. The waitresses were innocent and everyone else is eavesdropping.



  3. billgncs October 26, 2012 at 6:44 am #

    Hi Doug — you are the master of misdirection. Thanks for that nugget! Assayed was good, but let me hold it was priceless.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 6:54 am #

      Thank you, Sir,

      Misdirection? Moi? Assayed was correct word for natural flow in their conversation. Everyone else has to veer back onto the road from the gutter. Thanks for reading and commenting.



      • billgncs October 26, 2012 at 6:58 am #

        I used it all the time when my kids were young. “Pick up that mess or your gonna need some assayed.”

  4. valeriedavies October 26, 2012 at 6:50 am #

    Yes, assayed gave it away – ‘checked out’ could have been with a doctor, sexologist whatever,,, that would have had us on the edge of our chairs with horror!

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 6:57 am #

      Dear Valerie,

      Gave what away? 🙂 I’m sure I don’t know what anyone is talking about. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. i like it when you visit.



  5. Parul October 26, 2012 at 6:55 am #

    I had a hunch where this was heading, and where it wasn’t.
    Clever work!

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 7:00 am #

      Dear Parul,

      Thanks for enjoying the riff on Size matters. A departure for me. Trying to give Russell a run for his money.



      • Parul October 26, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

        Oh, Russel nailed it this time!

      • Russell October 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

        Here’s a great line you can use next time.

        Teenagers think condiments are something you put on your pillow to clue your girlfriend that you want to have sex.

  6. rochellewisoff October 26, 2012 at 9:10 am #

    Dear Doug,
    Another MacIlroy Masterpiece. This shows your versatility as a writer and your razor sharp sense of humor. You hooked me, made me blush, and then sent me to the floor with laughter.
    Thanks for the read!

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 9:13 am #

      Dear Rochelle,

      That has a nice ring to it. MacIlroy masterpiece. Might could have been the title to my story. But seriously, thank you for such a nice comment. I was afraid no one would recognize me doing (trying to do) humor. This bus is crowed with Russell and Perry on it.



  7. Cindy Marsch October 26, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Aw, I knew it was a gold nugget all along. 😉 Those miners clean up pretty well, too, I expect, if they’re tired of the search and not going for yet another win. Do you think miners and gamblers have a lot in common, or not?

    Enjoyed it!

    Here’s mine:

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 11:39 am #

      Dear Cindy,

      I’d say they’re one and the same, miners and gamblers. Thank you for dropping by to read and comment. I appreciate the patronage.



  8. unspywriter October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    I bow to you the master of the double entendre! Great, authentic dialogue.

    Here’s mine:

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 11:52 am #

      Dear Maggie,

      Double entendre? Thanks loads for the kind comment. By the way, i thought your story, Shrine was stellar.



  9. The Writers Village October 26, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    Dear Doug,

    “Hauled it out and plopped it down right there on the table.” What an image!
    “……How big was it?” Wow.
    “Bigger than any I’ve ever seen..” That’s what she said.
    “He let you hold it?” Uh-oh. Here we go
    “Made me all tingly inside. Then he asked me for a date.” If this is foreplay for a date, imagine…

    Great stimulation, er, stimulating job. You went for the gold and earned it.

    A lot of fun.


    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      Dear Randy,

      Coming from you these are fine comments. I’m truly glad you enjoyed my little interlude.



  10. boomiebol October 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

    Love the twist …made me alll tingly inside lol. Enjoyed this much…a bit too much

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

      Ah Boomie, you can’t ever have too many tingles. Glad you enjoyed it and thank you much for stopping by to read and comment.



  11. Trudy October 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    That’s FAB! So funny!

  12. Jeffrey Hollar October 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

    Something told me this was a definite double entendre waiting to happen but it was done so masterfully I just kept reading. Very nicely done touch of humor, sir.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

      Dear Jeffrey,

      Thanks for the kind comment. I don’t often venture into humor so it’s nice to know I didn’t miss the bus.



  13. bridgesareforburning October 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    Hi Doug,
    “He took it out.” Remember that Seinfeld episode? Great suggestive dialog. A real nugget of a story, in a light vein. You have big Hawaiin coconuts. Ron

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:33 am #

      Dear Ron,

      I’m probably the only person on the planet who has only seen three or four Seinfeld episodes and I must have missed the one in question. I appreciate your comments and positive assessment of my coconuts. Off to Google Seinfeld now.



      • Rochelle Wisoff-Fields October 29, 2012 at 12:37 am #

        Nope not the only one, Doug. If you’ve seen three or four you’ve seen at least two more episodes than I.

  14. elmowrites October 26, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    Doug, you have a way of testing your readers’ virtue (of course, I swear blind that the word “miners” gave it away for me and I’m completely innocent!) and making us laugh too. Great little conversation!
    BUT (there’s always a but!) after sharing all my hard work cutting mine to 100, you missed by 4 words? I’m disappointed in you. 😉 If you want them, I’d offer for the cutting block “Felt like it” and then hyphenate bad-looking.
    Fun to read, as ever. And with a lesson for those of the fictioneers with their minds in the gutter.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:31 am #

      Dear Jennifer,

      I might have miscounted…

      Yes, there’s a few words that could go. I apologize for being lazy, but until you rein in all those 140 word folks I may, every other week or three, squeeze in an extra word here and there.

      Let me take this opportunity to wish you a pain free and speedy birth. I am excited for you. Keep us informed (when you can). Life is about to get interesting around your house.



      • elmowrites October 27, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

        Thanks for the good wishes, Doug. I’ll be sure to post something once the little’un is safely landed. LIfe’s already interesting – we pulled the cat out of the roof void again today! – but certainly set fair to get a whole new layer on top of that!
        And writing-wise, you go ahead and use as many words as you like. You employ them with such style, I’d never begrudge you a bonus few. If you genuinely want me to, I’ll even stop hunting the extra down with my blue pencil!

  15. Russell October 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

    What’s that plant outside the window? I believe the latin name is penile erecticus. I think Rochelle is going to have to order a larger bench seat for the back of the bus. Great job, Doug!

    • tedstrutz October 26, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

      That’s where she’s putting you guys?

      • Rochelle Wisoff-Fields October 26, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

        No I’m packing Russell into the baggage compartment and then making Doug sit in a seat by himself.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:27 am #

      Dear Russell,

      It’s a seat I’d share in awe and honor. You truly are a nut case and your ability to channel it onto the page is unsurpassed. Thanks for reading and not throwing any spitballs at my story.



  16. Susan Wenzel (@SusanWenzel) October 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Dear Doug,

    I was excited when I found a small chunk of pyrite this summer while camping in the mountains. I can’t even imagine how I would feel to find “real” gold.

    Good story and nice try to lead me down the naughty road…but I find, with your writing, it usually does not end up where it looks like it is headed. (I appreciate and enjoy your unpredictability).


    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:24 am #

      Dear Susan,

      Are you saying that I’m predictable in my unpredictability? Sounds like it to me.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting. I’m going back to the link board after I catch up on replies to readers. I hope to find a story from you there.



  17. tedstrutz October 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    I thought it was a salmon, until I saw he was a miner… then I knew, in spite of your clever effort to mislead, it would be a gold nugget.

    I’ll be reading your story next Fri. on a plane… hope there’s wifi!

    • tedstrutz October 26, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

      p.s. here’s mine…

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:22 am #

      A salmon? That’s a hoot, Ted. My best wishes re WiFi on the plane. I’m two and a half hours from Volcano so let’s confab about meeting in the middle somewhere. (Or even on the west side or Waimea. I can give you the inside view of Keck headquarters. not many get to see that.)

      Looking forward to seeing you. have a safe flight.



  18. N Filbert October 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    delightful Doug!

  19. singleworkingmomswm October 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Awesome, truly, and I needed a good laugh this morning considering it’s Friday and there’s a whole lotta stuff on my proverbial plate this weekend with the kiddos. And, yes, size DOES matter. 😉

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:19 am #

      Mmmmm, but still, the how you use it has its place, right?

      I am gratified to know I helped you laugh this weekend. Stay strong for the kids. The reward comes later.



  20. Anne Orchard October 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    Lots of fun, even though we knew all along it was only our naughty minds really. Thanks for visiting my story too.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:16 am #

      Dear Anne,

      This world would be a terribly boring place without our naughty minds, wouldn’t it?. Thanks for visiting.



  21. sustainabilitea October 26, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    I think they’d be right at home in Greece with the blond and the donkey. So of course I loved it. I assayed the direction you might be going (just because it was so obviously a Doug direction) and loved it. Good stuff!!

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:15 am #

      Dear Janet,

      You are absolutely right! Wonderful point. Perhaps they’ll honeymoon in Greece, eh? Thanks for taking the measure of my story this week.



  22. brudberg October 26, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    That tingle made the story, and imagine what you made me think he put on the table….

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:13 am #

      Thanks for imagining, and commenting, good sir.



  23. The Bumble Files October 26, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    Well done! Very clever, Doug. It’s fun to be naughty, and I think this could have a happy ending 🙂

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:12 am #

      I imagine they’ll hook up, court feverishly, get married and then fight to stave off all the heartbreaking endings that this phot has prompted from other writers.

      Thanks for your comments. It is fun to naughty…



  24. Madison Woods October 26, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

    Being that it was in AK, I had an idea where it was going from the start, but it was funny all the same Doug. I laughed and enjoyed the possibilities of that eavesdropped conversation.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:10 am #

      Dear Madison,

      One of the goals I had for writing Size Matters was that every sentence be as natural and true to the moment as possible. That’s why I used ‘Miners’ right away and assayed at the end. Nothing is hidden and I made no attempt to keeps anything from the reader on the journey through my 104 words, (as Jennifer pointed out, an excess of four). That there are at least two ways to interpret the story was given a nod in the sentence about the miners always thinking about only two things. I enjoyed the challenge of trying to make this work for myself and the reader.

      Thanks for being there, reading, commenting and looking over your brood. Must feel nice seeing all your chickadees singing in the trees.



  25. TheOthers1 October 27, 2012 at 12:12 am #

    I did a double take at the, “how big was it” line. Double entendre? I like the way you handle a story. Seriously though, great job.

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:04 am #

      Dear CC,

      I have missed you of late. Thanks for telling me you enjoyed Size Matters. Means a great deal coming from you.



  26. Lora October 27, 2012 at 7:09 am #

    Doug… the comments are as comical as your story. Of course, to get right down and dirty, that gold nugget could have been a “dildo or battery-operated vibrator” as well. ps: What happened Buddy? I know your new bus-driver girlfriend, Rochelle is taking up a lot of your spare time, but what’s your excuse for neglecting me lately???

    • Douglas MacIlroy October 27, 2012 at 9:01 am #

      Dear Lora,

      Would you believe that you have been on my mind a great deal of late? I do know that it seems as though I am neglecting you, but please trust me when I tell you, in front of everyone on this bus, that I am not.

      Thanks as always, for your comments and for your patience.



  27. myothervoices October 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    Like the ending, good old practical love

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

      Thanks for reading and liking. Got to love a practical happy ending, eh?



  28. Shirley McCann October 28, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    Good job. I knew it had to be something different what I imagined. Cute.

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      Dear Shirley,

      Authors are to be excused for having such wide ranging imaginations.



  29. Doggy's Style October 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm #


    • dmmacilroy October 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

      Thank you, Sir,

      i appreciate you dropping by for a read.



  30. Brian Benoit October 28, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    Haha, oh man, you’ve done it again – revealing the dirty minds in all your readers. Their dialogue was very believable, and there’s a funny romance to it. Nicely done, sir!

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      I guess I showed mine first, though, so everyone else gets a pass, eh? Thanks for visiting, Brian.



  31. newpillowbook October 28, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

    Hauled it right out, did he? Shocking. He should be more careful with his most prized possession! .)

    • newpillowbook October 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

      Ack – that was supposed to end with a 😉

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      Those damn miners!

      Thanks for visiting and reading. See you in a few days.



  32. Linda October 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    Those that say size doesn’t matter have never been out shopping for shoes or a diamond engagement ring. Really great story Doug and a nice little teaser that ended with the unexpected 🙂

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

      Dear Linda,

      Thanks for dropping by. Size does matter, doesn’t it? See you soon.



  33. vbholmes October 29, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    After 70 comments, I can only say “great story; great ending.”

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

      Dear VB,

      Most of those comments were just me responding to nice folks like you. Thanks for reading.



  34. Paul November 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

    Guess I’m a bit late to the party. Sorry I missed your tale (which I loved) my first time around but it’s been a difficult week. My apologies. My wife- bless her heart- says size DOESN’T matter. Of course, she also told me I’m the only man she’s ever known so you be the judge!

    • dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

      Dear Paul,

      No worries, mate. I can’t get to them all now, though l sure do try. Nice of wives to be so nice, isn’t it. See you in a few days.



  35. dmmacilroy November 1, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

    Dear Tom,

    Lovely response. I thought it was a helping of Haggis myself. I have it on good authority that women hate gold (that isn’t owned by them.)



  36. summerstommy2 August 16, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

    Great use of language/dialogue Doug. Even though there was a sense of the end I was engaged with the story right to the end. As every bloke knows, size does matter, especially his nuggets.

    • Douglas Macilroy October 10, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

      Thank you very much. You’re digging deep I see. I appreciate it.



  37. gingerpoetry September 22, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

    dear Doug,
    so funny – and I understood without dictionary 🙂 ! super dialogue, I could see the two girls right for my eyes…love it!
    regards from Germany

    • dmmacilroy October 10, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

      Thank you Carmen. This comment just appeared in my spam file two weeks after you sent it. very curious. Aloha, D.

  38. dmmacilroy November 5, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    A mantra for a happy life.




  1. Nuts about grammar! (for Doug) « This, that and the other thing - October 28, 2012

    […] I haven’t posted a Grammar nazi post for a long time but when this popped up on my Facebook page, I had to post it once I’d stopped laughing.    All I can say is that this is a difference worth knowing!!!  Who says grammar doesn’t matter?  Doug, this played  perfectly in to your Friday Fictioneers story.  And for anyone who would like to know what I’m talking about and would enjoy some stellar writing, here you go… […]

  2. Especially for Billgncs; ASSAYED is The Weekly Word: What’s YOUR Alternative Meaning? | woman on the edge of reality - November 5, 2012

    […] “Told him to have it assayed and meet me at the dance hall tonight.” – Courtesy of Doug McIlroy […]

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